Cone of Shame: Roger Goodell

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The blog has been operating a bit more slowly over the past couple of months because, well, we’ve been busy. A thousand apologies, dear readers. This has been a particularly eventful summer for Truman, whose allergies have triggered a licking and gnawing fit that threatened infection and forced us into using the ultimate canine indignity – The Cone of Shame.

When I put it on him for the first time, I thought I accidentally unplugged him from the wall socket. Except for some infrequent panting and a little drooling, he just slumped and froze. Poor little guy. I imagine it wouldn’t be very comfortable to walk around with a wooden stockade wrapped around my shoulders.

The other night, while Truman was softly snoring and twitching from dog dreams, it occurred to me that The Cone would make the perfect indignity for the world’s losers, malcontents and bottom-feeders. So the first gets awarded now – to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, for his weak two-game suspension of infamous former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice, who used his then-fiancée as a Krav Maga sparring partner in an Atlantic City casino elevator. The final straw came today, when that journalistic beacon – TMZ – posted an unreleased video of Rice’s one-two combination on Janay Palmer, knocking her unconscious and into the elevator’s hand rail.

No one looks more like an asshole than Rice, but Goodell doesn’t look much better at all – especially after he doled out longer suspensions to players for testing positive for banned substances – including Denver Broncos wide receiver Wes Welker, the anchor of my fantasy football team’s wide receiving corps. Goodell lost his chance at making a moral statement against a heinous crime – domestic violence – and must also bear the brunt of questions about whether the NFL had previously seen the video footage of Rice inside the elevator – footage that the league claims it hadn’t seen until Manic Monday, despite an exhaustive investigation by its security arm.

Congratulations Roger, you get the Chairman’s first Cone of Shame. I might pull this figurative punishment off your head … if you stop licking yourself to death.

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About Chairman Mao

I like fomenting socialist revolutions and purging my homeland of pseudo-intellectualism and capitalist dogma. I also like sports, dogs and food (although I wouldn't consider myself a foodie).
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