Truman’s Hump Day Song of the Week: Thriller


This Halloween, Truman and I might hide around the corner from our front door, me with a wiffle ball bat and he with his … I guess that’s a wooden sword in the photo above … laying in wait for the kinds of post-pubescent teenagers who have terrorized America with aggressive door-knocking, man-grabs for candy and generally obnoxious behavior that has soured me on the annual observance of this pagan holiday.

A couple of years ago, we turned off the porch light and were getting ready for bed when I heard a loud banging on our screen door – BANG BANG BANG – as if they were coming to kill us and ride off on our dog. Something like that. I angrily opened the door to find a kid who appeared 15 or 16 years old, with a couple of grade-school age siblings wearing capes that looked like tablecloths ripped at the last second from their breakfast nook. The older boy wasn’t even wearing a costume. None of them said a word as they looked at me. No trick, no treat. They just held their bags open. Their parents’ van idled across the street; I could see a man’s elbow sticking out the driver’s side window. We’re all waiting, sucka.

When I get very angry, which believe it or not has only occurred a handful of times in my life, my eyesight is overtaken by a blinding flash of white, and it happened this Halloween night. Picture me surfing on a wave of frothing purple venom three stories high, and then that wave crashing down on these three orcs … these children of the corn.

And that’s when my eyesight returned and I snapped back to reality. I looked past the kids and at the man in the idling van, his elbow jutting out like a cab driver’s, barely paying attention, probably surfing the web on his evil iPhone. It’s your fault, dude. More bad parenting, which will be our nation’s downfall. I wordlessly tossed the last of the candy into the children’s bags – there wasn’t much left – and silently prayed that someday Congress passes a law that requires people to take a parenting exam before they can have kids.

This week’s song of the week is “Thriller,” sung by another wonderful parent, Michael Jackson. Trick or treat.

A couple decades later, a Filipino prison warden seeking to keep his charges busy made the following re-enactment of “Thriller” possible. This is probably the best choreography I’ve ever witnessed outside the state of Nevada.


About Chairman Mao

I like fomenting socialist revolutions and purging my homeland of pseudo-intellectualism and capitalist dogma. I also like sports, dogs and food (although I wouldn't consider myself a foodie).
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One Response to Truman’s Hump Day Song of the Week: Thriller

  1. Peter says:

    I remember having a similar experience in Arlington. People coming to trick or treat but it seemed like they were adults, who weren’t dressed up and did nothing but hold their bags open. It bothered me.

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