I’ve become mostly immune to aberrant behavior after being surrounded by the douchey guys and Kesha lookalikes of D.C. for the better part of seven years, but even this was too much to ignore.
I was standing in line at my coffee shop when a couple at the register locked lips while they were ordering. C’mon now, you can’t wait until after you’re done ordering. Is there no Demilitarized Zone free from obnoxious PDA? I eat here.
They gazed at each other for a moment. She had teeth like a chipmunk. His jeans sagged off his womanly waist. A voice in my head whispered, “Gross.” I half-gagged. The woman behind me stepped back. I glared at her.
Then I remembered that I did the same thing to an ex-girlfriend years ago, while we were waiting in line to order at a fast food restaurant. While debating whether to get a medium or large fries, I leaned in to kiss her. Her response foreshadowed our ultimate demise — she stiff-armed me like John Heisman and asked, “What are you doing?” Indeed, what the hell was I doing? Such a hypocrite.
Still, that pales in comparison to what hundreds of millions of Earthlings witnessed during Super Bowl XLV, when Cameron Diaz was caught on camera feeding popcorn to Alex Rodriguez during the Super Bowl.
That snippet makes me want to gargle with bleach and scrub myself with a Brillo pad.
And that, my friends, is how I began my Fourth of July.