Chairman Says: ‘Oy-y-y, Army Show Need More Practice!’

“A-a-a-army training, sir!”

The U.S. Army celebrated its 237th birthday on June 14.  Several days ago, the wife and I attended a celebration in Fort Myer, which is just a 10-minute walk from our house.  The show – awkwardly named the “Twilight Tattoo” – was a humbling display of pageantry and precision, a somber exhibition that reminded attendees of the Army’s bloody, courageous history in defense of our Nation, except for:

  • When looming rainclouds prompted planners to move the event into a cavernous basketball court that amplified every  sound.
  • When the Honor Guard ushers couldn’t tell us where we were supposed to sit and we nearly bumbled into the three-star VIP section – while wearing flip-flops.  Oops!
  • When an Army jazz band (jazz band?!) greeted attendees with cheesy guitar-heavy renditions of contemporary hits.
  • When a singing quartet strutted out (in their cammies while everyone else was wearing their Dress Blues) singing The Temptations’ “Get Ready.” (Fiddley-dee, fiddley-dum, look out baby, ‘cuz here I come…)
  • When a flute player passed out in formation and was dragged away like a sack of potatoes.  One audience member asked, “Is that part of the act?”
  • When they tried to re-enact a Civil War battle with just four guys in period dress.
  • When the golly-gee Vietnam War re-enactment sounded more like a recruiting pitch.  Witness a soldier’s monologue:  “Sure is hot here in Vietnam (editor’s note:  he was on a basketball court).  But things are lookin’ up.  I got a care package the other day. … Makes being in the Army worthwhile…”
  • When a member of the Silent Drill Team dropped a rifle.
  • When the errant rifleman was given an extra.  (Editor’s note:  Let him stand without a rifle in shame.)
  • When they tried to sell us cheap T-shirts on our way to the car.

I can excuse a dropped rifle and even a band geek passing out in formation.  It happens to the best.  But the Army event was tacky and clumsy, feeling more like a variety show than a display of military precision.  As a drill instructor at Officer Candidate School continually told us after drill sessions, “That … was butt-crack nasty.”

Maybe they need a little more practice and they’ll look as good as this:


About Chairman Mao

I like fomenting socialist revolutions and purging my homeland of pseudo-intellectualism and capitalist dogma. I also like sports, dogs and food (although I wouldn't consider myself a foodie).
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One Response to Chairman Says: ‘Oy-y-y, Army Show Need More Practice!’

  1. Garrett says:

    But things are lookin’ up. I got a care package the other day. … Makes being in the Army worthwhile…” Yes! ( Belly laugh)

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